Living life trying to be good means that you have to know the good answers so that you can make the good choices. This means covering a broad spectrum of topics, so it’s a challenge to be a good girl in all areas but I was determined not to mess up.
On any given day, you could ask me questions about how to teach fractions, how much water you should drink, how to grind your own wheat, how to declutter your house, how to create a chore chart, discipline your children, or how to have a quiet time with Jesus. Yes, step right up ladies and gentlemen, Together Girl has solutions to all your problems!
Excuse me. I have to go throw up now.
Not only is that life nauseating, it’s also exhausting. And lonely.
2013 was a year of finding freedom, becoming authentic, discovering joy. Just the other day, I got a clear glimpse of my self, and God reminded me that we are still on the journey together to freedom. I had pulled a great book off the shelf that I had purchased last year to help myself get it together.(It followed a whole shelf full of those kind of books!) I wanted to read last year’s goals and priorities that I had recorded. What do you know, I had lost the list!
I read through the chapter on priorities once more and decided to journal my new priorities as a free girl, not a good girl. Do you know how easy it is for me to spit out right answers? You know, those answers that sound so good?
I began my list, and felt like such a rebel when I only came up with seven. (The instructions called for ten. I’m a wild child.) When I looked back over my list of priorities- those things that I desire most in life- that’s when Jesus quietly reminded me that part of this road to freedom is honesty. My #1 priority was intimacy with him. Of course that was first. Of course, that should always be first. It’s the right thing to do. The good thing.
But then. The question came. The one I did not have a good answer to. “Do you really desire intimacy with me most? Am I really your priority?” So easy to write it on the list, but when that question came from the Holy Spirit, I struggled.
Last year, I would have responded in shame, how I had failed to live that priority out, of how weak I was. Another question would have risen in my flesh, not of God. ” If you really loved Jesus, if your faith was real, wouldn’t you have it together by now?” You see, that was always my goal, being closer to God. I worked so hard to be good for him, but what I didn’t truly believe was that he had already made me good.
This year, however, when I heard the question, “Do you really desire intimacy with me most?” I did not feel condemned or ashamed. I knew I was loved, and love asks good questions. God was gently redirecting me, drawing me closer to him through the question. After so many years of only trusting God for some things, but being so driven to be good, I am still learning what intimacy with him looks like. As a recovering good girl, intimacy and doing get confused. It’s that whole Mary and Martha thing again.
My heavenly Father was showing me the difference. Again. Lovingly and patiently. He was asking me if I wanted him or if I wanted to be good for him. Do you really want intimacy with me?
Yes. My answer to his question was yes. That’s a good answer. What will that yes look like? That’s my question for him, and I feel confident that he has the answer. I’m resting in that.
In his grace and mercy, he draws me to himself. In his patience, he shows me what he desires from me. As I attended the funeral today of Tina Soper, I was overcome by the genuine woman of God that she was. I walked away with a beautiful picture of a woman who truly walked with God, who knew intimacy. I have never heard God’s voice more loudly at a funeral before today. He was inviting me into something deeper with him.
What is so amazing, is that my relationship with Jesus can be so personal, unique to just us. ?There is no one right formula, no three step plan that I must follow. I’m celebrating the freedom that Christ calls me to in him!