If I were just more…If I just did more…If I could just have more…
One day, as I struggled with feeling like I wasn’t enough, as I thought of the ways that someone was disappointed with me each day, I decided to write a list. It was a list of all my “not enoughs”. Here is a peek into my list.
*I don’t volunteer at the school enough.
*Our meals aren’t healthy enough.
*I don’t call my dad enough.
*I’m not drinking enough water.
*I don’t play with my kids enough.
*My house isn’t clean enough.
That’s just a few things on my list of shame. Shame. Do you feel it? Does the voice of shame echo in your mind throughout your day? That imaginary “good mom” who followed me around (Sept. 16 post) would never let me forget that I wasn’t enough. In fact, she added to the list daily. I couldn’t breathe. Constantly overwhelmed with what I should do better, say better, eat better, and organize better. Living with that list was not living at all, but instead it was just trying to survive each day.
I’ve been on a journey this year- a journey to freedom and joy. One part of that journey was recognizing the expectations I had on myself, the expectations others had on me and then letting them all go. Through some counseling, I came up with a picture of the girl I felt like I had to be. She’s quite the specimen of perfection.